The lovely Jess (of Wedding fame) had a gentle whinge to me last night that all of my recent posts had been about cars, so I thought it was time I moved away from the Cars Project for at least one entry.
Jess was at our house for a Postie Fashions Party. Postie Fashions, for the blokes reading this, is kind of a booze-up for chicks that uses fashion as an excuse. The saleswoman rocks up at the host’s house, drags about ten tonne of clothing in and then proceeds to flog it to the assembled throng. The saleswoman’s key attributes are that she can speak both faster and louder than those watching. She can also perform the most amazingly complicated discount and “special offer” computations in her head in zip seconds flat.
There are some key DOs and DON’Ts for the blokes that find themselves on the periphery of such a gathering:
DO make sure that you are present in the hour prior to the party commencing to help clean-up the house, lug the afore-mentioned 10 tonnes of shit upstairs etc.
DON’T feel that you must do too much of the above, the wifely person will be aware that she was silly enough to say that she would host a party and therefore accepts much of the responsibility.
DO make sure that you have somewhere to go just before the party is due to start, otherwise you’ll spend the next 45 minutes cracking open champagne bottles and plying women with booze. (Alternatively of course, you may see this as a great opportunity, your choice I guess)
DO make sure that you are home again before the end of the party … there are bound to be some bevvies left for you.
DO make sure that you give your better half advice at this late stage of the evening … she will have been too busy keeping the drinks up to the rest in your absence to have made any decisions regarding what she herself might purchase. Without your advice she will most probably pull a couple of clangers.
DON’T ever say “That suited so and so more than you”, unless of course you feel that intimacy is a life-phase that has passed you by anyway.
DO say what you do and don’t like of the clothes your partner tries on, after all you are going to be looking at her in this for some time to come.
DON’T worry if she appears to purchase half your annual salary in clothing … it is a given that the return rate will be high when she critically examines her purchases later without the benefit of the afore-mentioned champagne.
DON’T, under any circumstances, enter your bedroom … it is likely that you will find at least one woman that you barely know in some state of undress.
DON’T be stupid enough to think the comment “They will look fine if you wear a g-string under them” was meant for your ears … it wasn’t.
DO make sure that if you do overhear such a comment that you continue to focus on stacking the dishwasher … those cheese knives can be sharp!
DON’T presume that it will now be OK for you to ask 10 guys around to have a few beers and watch the footy … it probably isn’t.
Comments
2 responses to “A Bloke’s Guide”
Still sounds easier to cope with than a Loverware party – there is some nasty sh*t that goes along with those things…
Thanks Kym.
You did very well at last week’s party, all in accordance with abovementioned rules. Very impressive.